Borrowed
by shippingslut
Summary: The weight of his body finally rolled away and Lori was left wishing her guilt could too. Rick didn't notice the distance between them, not even when their bodies had been intertwined, he never did. And Lori wasn't sure if she should feel grateful for that or angry. How he could he not notice? Alternate universe - no zombies. Lori and Shane don't mean to hurt Rick, but when are af


Was it horrible that she just wanted it to be over? Her husband shifted between her thighs, his thrusts growing harder and all Lori could do was turn her head towards the wall and shut her eyes, hoping that Rick couldn't see the impatience on her face. He wasn't a selfish man. There'd been great care in making sure Lori got there first and she wished like hell that she could match his passion as Rick made his own attempts in reaching that peak. But the kisses he planted on her neck made her want to crawl from underneath his sweaty body. Instead, Lori wrapped her legs tighter around Rick's waist, pulling him deeper, hoping it'd urge him along.

It hadn't always been that way.

What type of wife used the time spent having sex with her husband to make a mental checklist of things she had to do the next day? No matter how hard Lori tried to stay in that moment, she just couldn't, and her mind wandered to the most mundane of places, as if their love making hadn't grown mundane enough. Finally when Rick's body stiffened and he buried his face into her neck, Lori stroked his back, a silent apology for the thoughts she couldn't put into the world. The weight of his body finally rolled away and Lori was left wishing her guilt could too. Rick didn't notice the distance between them, not even when their bodies had been intertwined, he never did. And Lori wasn't sure if she should feel grateful for that or angry. How he could he not notice?

"Do I need to set the alarm?" Rick asked after they'd both taken a moment to catch their breath.

"No, I'll just use my phone. Might need your help in the morning, Carl's hard enough to get up any morning, much less after a summer of sleeping late."

"That's fine."

He offered nothing else in response and the sigh that escaped Lori's lips did little to pull anything else from him.

"I guess I'm just nervous," Lori admitted into the dark, voicing her concerns out loud since her husband couldn't pick up on her anxiety. Or did he simply choose not to?"The first day of school is always bad, but middle school? Even I still have nightmares of the place."

Rick chuckled although Lori found no humour in her statement.

"Lori, he'll be fine. Carl's a smart kid, he's growing up. Let him."

Of course, it was easy for Rick not to stress. He hadn't spent the summer making sure they pinched pennies until Carl could afford the clothes he wanted - clothes that wouldn't get him picked on. Rick would be at work in the evenings when Carl brought home the homework that neither of them could understand, just like he was ignorant to all the other worries that collected in a mother's mind as she watched her son grow older. Yes, Carl would eventually be fine. But the journey to fine was seldom without bumps, bumps that Rick's optimistic nature spared him from.

Finally, he clicked the TV on and Lori knew the conversation was over. Rick would burrow into their comforter and his eyes would be closed before the channel he'd settled on even returned from the commercial break. She could've pressed the issue like she'd done in the past. She could've insisted Rick comfort her and her fears but she knew Rick would be more annoyed than comforting. Instead she got up and slipped her large t-shirt over her head and headed towards the bathroom to relieve her bladder, the guilt she'd felt just moments before entirely gone. If Rick was stingy with his emotional support, why shouldn't she be as equally as selfish about the physical?

* * *

Six o'clock came early and the sun seemed far happier to rise than Lori, and especially Carl. By 6:30 they were already running behind schedule and the traditional picture of Carl's first day of school would probably be sacrificed for more important things - like getting him out the door in time to make it to his new bus stop. Still, Lori wanted to make the day special and forced herself to make pancakes for breakfast instead of the bowl of cereal Carl would have every other day of the year.

When she sat down to enjoy the family meal, Lori tried her hardest to pretend her pancakes weren't undercooked. Maybe it'd be yet another thing Rick wouldn't notice.

"So, are you ready to officially be a middle schooler?" Lori asked her son, all the while drowning her food in Mrs. Buttersworth to hide the flavor.

"Sure, I guess," he shrugged.

She didn't take Carl's lack of response personally, it was typical of a boy his age. Plus, she could tell that despite his efforts, her son was nervous. He wasn't the most outgoing of children, but he wasn't shy either. Especially not at home.

"Remember, everyone is nervous on the first day," Lori assured him. "Also, don't forget...you're a bus rider this year. If you goof off with your friends after class you'll miss it."

"Mom, I know."

"I know, I just -"

"Lori, he's fine," Rick interjected, attempting to calm her but really only making it worse. "The better question, what are you gonna do with all your free time? The house is finally all yours again."

She tried not to squirm from his statement. But it made her sound like someone who just sat around the house all day, nevermind that she'd spend those hours cleaning up after everyone. There were always clothes that needed to be washed and folded, dishes that needed to be cleaned. Nevermind the groceries she'd buy, put away, and then eventually cook just so she could repeat the process all over again. Even if Rick meant nothing by his words, it still settled in Lori's stomach worse than her doughy pancakes.

"You want anything specific for dinner?" Lori asked Carl, trying to make the day feel as special for him as possible.

Of course, he just shrugged. She expected nothing less, he was twelve.

"What about you?" She asked, turning towards Rick who was already dressed in his deputy's uniform. "Got anything goodl in mind?"

He said nothing. Rick was already washing down his food with a cup of coffee, his mind already on the day ahead of him. Lori watched as her husband put his plate in the sink, followed by the cup after he finished it off, and wondered when exactly he'd learned to just block her right out. Rick wasn't a cruel man, not by any measure, and Lori knew better than to ever think otherwise. But it still didn't change how he'd seemingly learned to just flat out ignore her when she spoke sometimes, her words nothing more than background noise that his fine tuned ears could block out.

She tried not to resent him for it. God knew there were times Lori wanted to the block out the monotony of their lives too and if she had a job to go to, she probably would. But Lori did not. Instead she spent her every waking moment making sure Rick's life ran smoothly and she couldn't even get a simple question answered about what he'd like her to make him for dinner.

"Rick?" Lori asked again, feeling her frustrations rising. "What do you want for dinner?"

Finally she got his attention. He was already fastening his gun belt and holster, his mind out the door even if his body hadn't made it there yet.

"What?"

"I asked if you wanted anything specific for dinner," Lori repeated, making note that it was the third time.

"Hmm? No, anything is fine."

"Would nothing be fine?"

The question wasn't meant to be spoken out loud but Lori's lips hadn't been capable of stopping it from escaping. All she'd wanted was for Carl's first day of school to be a good one and there she was, ruining it herself. And the worst part? Rick didn't even seem to care about either. His blue eyes looked straight past her in response because he wasn't the type of a man that had patience for bickering.

Lori's appetite was gone and when she dropped her fork on the plate, it landed a bit louder than she'd intended. But since she'd already started a scene, she figured she may as well finish it.

Collecting her and Carl's untouched plate, Lori tossed them in the sink, just as Rick gave Carl a kiss on the head and wished him good luck.

"How'd you like your pancakes?" Lori asked, leaning against the counter and watching her husband closely. "Were they good?"

"They were fine."

And that she knew was a damn lie. If so, Carl wouldn't have eaten the sliced grapefruit on his plate first.

Perhaps Rick was trying to protect her feelings or maybe he just didn't want to be bothered with whatever was bubbling under the surface. And that was what she felt like - a bother. Not just in that moment but most moments.

"I'll see you tonight," Rick said, leaning in to plant a kiss on her cheek, but Lori quickly turned her head.

Their eyes caught for a split second and Lori couldn't lie, she felt guilty for the slight. There was hurt there, right on Rick's face, but he didn't acknowledge that either. With a simple nod of his head he took a step back, knowing it was going to be one of those days.

How could he not care? How could this man bare to ignore an elephant in the room that only continued to grow?

"Do you care about anything?" Lori snapped, hating herself for the words. They were needy - nagging even, something she despised herself for becoming.

Of course Rick wasn't going to give the sentence even a second of his attention. He was terrible at confrontations and that was honestly what Lori wanted. She craved a big blow out, just to let off some steam. Not just for her, but him too. Those steely blue eyes spoke volumes and Lori knew her husband wanted to reply, he just didn't want to deal with the inevitable fallout. Or maybe he didn't want to say anything, maybe there was no need for him to clear the air. And if so, how had they gotten to such a place?

Lori stayed quiet as Rick dismissed himself, knowing it was childish. Any time he walked out the door to go to work, there was always a risk she wouldn't see him again, being a cop was dangerous work. Their small town was pretty tame but there was a chance.

"C'mon son," Lori said breaking the silence. "We need to get you out the door."

She expected him to say something about what had just ensued but sadly it wasn't exactly a new occurrence for him. Instead Carl just nodded and grabbed his backpack, not once complaining that he needed to get moving. He was a good kid and even though Lori hated what he'd just watched, she was thankful when he stopped and posed for the picture they didn't really have time for, all the while keeping an almost believable smile on his face.

The sun was already starting to make the air insufferable as Lori stood on the porch and watched her son head towards his bus stop. Carl's first day of kindergarten was fresh her in mind - how they'd made a big deal out of picking out a backpack with his favorite Disney character, how he'd gotten a fresh haircut to start the year, how her and Rick had held hands on the drive home, both wiping a stray tear as they let go of their only son.

This year Carl's backpack was nothing more than a plain Jansport, his hair was a sloppy mess because he refused to cut it, and Rick's fingers most certainly weren't intertwined with her own. It was worrisome, made even worse by watching Carl's figure disappear around the corner. He was growing up, gaining independence each day, and when he left what would hold them all together?

The infant years were still fresh in her mind. The lack of sleep, the dirty diapers, the days when Lori, even though she didn't really mean it, would dream of retirement and a empty nest...just so she'd have the time to shower again. Back then, on the worst of days, Lori would fantasize about when it would be just her and Rick again, when their tiny baby son would be able to feed himself and they could go back to spending quality time together. Now? Lori physically cringed at the idea of being alone with the man. They couldn't even argue, much less do anything else. The closer they inched to an empty nest, the less she wanted anything to do with it.

"Lori?"

The voice made her jump, Lori hadn't been paying attention at all and especially not to the thin woman walking across her lawn.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to spook ya," Carol Peletier said as she walked to the porch.

"No Carol, it's fine. I was just," Lori trailed off, not sure what to say. "Just watchin' him leave."

Both women settled down on Lori's top step, a ritual the two neighbors had done more times than Lori could count. Since the death of Ed Peletier, Carol had truly blossomed and Lori was lucky to consider her a good friend. And like any good friend, Carol knew when something wasn't quite right.

"Sad watching him grow up?" Carol asked, both staring out across the yard.

"Something like that," Lori confirmed, in no mood to tell Carol the entire story. It was messy and she'd just come out looking bad anyway. Instead she forged ahead, only spilling half of what was on her mind. "He's going to be in high school soon, ya know? Then college. Then..gone."

"Yep," Carol agreed. "Isn't that what we all hope for, anyway? If they don't ever leave we'll just sit around and wonder what we did to fuck them up."

Lori smiled, remembering the times when Carol used to be afraid of her own shadow, much less dropping the f-bomb. It reminded her that not everything in the world was terrible. If Carol could stomach being married to Ed's abusive ass for over ten years, surely Lori could get over whatever problems her and Rick were having. And if not get over, at least she could set them aside to focus on her friend.

"So how was Sophia's morning?" Lori asked, thinking of the little girl that was finally free of her prick of her father.

"She was excited. Fifth grade is a big deal, she's a big fish in a little pond. Although I think she's a little heart broken that her and Carl aren't in the same school anymore."

"I think he is too," Lori added. "He was nervous this morning. He wouldn't say it, but he was."

"He takes after Rick then."

Lori couldn't argue that. Carl might've inherited her straight brown hair opposed to Rick's curls, but every time she looked in Carl's blue eyes she saw her husband starting back at her. She'd once loved that her son took after his father so much.

She'd fallen quiet and not noticed. She didn't notice that her arms were crossed over her chest, her gaze cast down, seeing nothing else except the toes that sorely needed to be painted. At least not until Carol pulled her away.

"Something else going on?" Carol asked, and Lori didn't turn to face her friend even when she felt Carol's stare on her skin.

"No," Lori answered a little too quickly. "Nothing that can't be fixed anyway."

It felt like a lie.

"Well, you know you can tell me if there is," Carol said.

"I know."

Once again the silence consumed them and Lori knew she was being shitty company. No matter how hard she tried she just couldn't pull out the stick that had taken up residence in her ass. She felt bad for wanting an argument for Rick and she felt even worse than she hadn't gotten one. He was supposed to be her partner, not the neighbor, and knowing Carol was asking all the questions Rick should've been only made it taste all the more bitter.

"How about we go out for some drinks tonight?" Carol asked, finally grabbing Lori's attention.

"Drinks? On a school night?"

"Why the hell not? We made it, right? Summer and the first day of school will be under our belts? C'mon, I'll ask Jacqui and Andrea to come too."

"I...I don't know," Lori hesitated. "Shouldn't we wait until Friday, at least?"

"And why the hell should we do that? What's the difference between having some wine at home after a long day or going out to drink it?"

"None, I guess," Lori agreed.

She had to admit that it sounded nice. A few drinks with a few friends who actually engaged with her when she spoke? It was exactly what the doctor ordered. And who knew, maybe with the right buzz she could actually explain her problems to them and even if they were of absolutely no help, which Lori doubted, the thoughts would at least be spoken out loud and sometimes that was all anyone really needed. Already Lori could feel herself perk up just a little.

"Then that's a yes?" Carol asked.

"Yeah, it's a yes. We'll have to wait until Rick gets home so he can stay with Carl. You want him to keep Sophia too?"

"Actually, she's going straight to her friend's house after school. I won't be surprised if they ask for a sleepover. I know, I know, that's completely spoiling her but she never got to do things like that while Ed was alive."

"Hey, no judgement here," Lori assured her friend.

"I know, it's just a hard habit to break. Seeking for approval over everything. So screw it, drinks on a school night. I'll call the girls. We can get all dressed up and make a night of it."

"Who mentioned getting dressed up?"

Lori couldn't remember the last time she'd put any effort into her appearance. She wasn't sloppy, just simple. Most days she went without make-up and so long as her clothes were cool and comfortable then they were good enough. Rick didn't seem to mind that she kept it low maintenance and even if he had, Lori doubted she would've made any extra effort in trying to gain his physical attention. The night before had been all the proof she needed of that.

"C'mon, it'll feel good, I promise. And even if you don't, I am. I haven't been laid in months."

The laughter erupted and Carol's mood was contagious. Lori still wasn't feeling her best but after wishing Carol goodbye with plans to meet at the bar at 7:30, she was feeling better. After a quick clean up of the kitchen, she went and opened her closet, already debating on what she should wear. Maybe things at home did feel suffocating but Lori couldn't deny the energy pulsing through her veins, she feeling optimistic for the first time in weeks, maybe even months. Was is pitiful that a night out with friends felt so exciting? And even if was, did Lori really care? It felt like the only thing she had to look forward to and Lori was going to cling to it for dear life.


End file.
